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January 13, 2011 / Prof Cupcake.

employment dreams

short story i wrote this morning

It’s four in the afternoon on a Tuesday and the only thing I really have to show for my day is a dinning room table littered with half drunk cups of instant coffee and a hang over from yesterday. Now I would do the washing up but the sponges are on there last legs. They all look an awfully lot like a fuzzy tongue and have bits of pasta sauce from the weekend embedded within their hairs. Sort of like a private Jackson Pollack in my kitchen. I could maybe sell them on ebay. With the money I could also buy new sponges, and maybe if I could sell the old ones for like a pound and fifty p, I could make a profit, who knows in a year or two I might have a net gain of a few pounds. Which would be exceptional as any amount of money these days would be welcome.

Judging by the pain in my brain however I am also worried that when I go to the bank I am going to discover that the reason I am in such a state is because the remaining contents of account number 74-760-2289 have found their way into a pint glass. I worry however that no one will employee me if today in the slew of CV’s I send out I tell them that the reason I am so willing to work as an anything is because I drank my account away.

What I do really like however is spending the morning idly surfing the guardian jobs page. In my youth I use to log onto the internet and spend a few hours surfing through random porn trying to discover weather or not I was a top or bottom or into muscle daddies or maybe some light leather fetish, now I like to read job descriptions and imagine my life if I was a managing director of  SkyWards PR, or an assistant to a BIG ENTERTAINMENT AGENCY. Strangely however I often find that I am lacking in most of the qualifications needed for every role.

Looking for: seriously dedicated PA who has excellent written and verbal English. Must have a degree in an interesting field and have spent a good deal of the 2005-2007 thinking about their identity and dealing with any issues such as: depression, paranoia, bi-polar, bi-sexuality and or anything else.

Role will be: answering the phones, managing a busy diary, taking minutes, going and getting the dry cleaning.

Excellent opportunity to learn about what it takes to be a managing director in a fast passed and glamorous world.

Also required to be both MAC and PC competent. Only serious applicants need apply with 5 years experience as a PA at least.

Though I might be lacking in the qualifications, after attaching my CV and a vapid cover letter where I tell dear Sir or Madam that I am punctual and dedicated and more or less needing some sort of life validation I can not help myself from letting my mind wander into that world of what it must be like to both gainfully employed and enjoying your job.

I wake up at 8:00 and turn on the kettle before stepping into a warm shower. I lather and wash and some times, on days where I am feeling super decadent, might quickly jerk off in the ever growing haze of fog. As I reach climax on those days the room is so full of scalding water vapor I can hardly see myself through the mist and it’s easy to let myself think that a future lover is coaxing me to climax. Maybe it’s the other fabulous gay single and adorably destitute PA I shall meet today in my endless quest of phone answering and coffee picking up.

We will give a calm but undeniable purpose to each others life. The love will never be that thrilling, and we will always laugh in the morning when the other rushes to make coffee and the one in bed mock scolds him for not adding enough sugar in a gross approximation of said lovers boss. That’s also about as exciting as our sex life will get. We will every once and a while play out a fantasy where one of us is the boss, something we are growing to accept is a position we will never have.

When were almost to old to leave one another my bet is that I have an affair. Feeling trapped in a perfectly fine relationship in a dead end life, I will find my self hunting for purpose in the tall grass of old parks late at night.

I’ll find nothing but shame and the temporary relaxation in a moment of climax which leaves all to soon.


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