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April 8, 2010 / Prof Cupcake.

NEW PEE (my pants i’m so happy to be here) LAND

Welcome to New Zealand:

This is the country that is responsible for the shire and based on that alone I think it was worth that 22 hour flight over here.

I arrived at the airport where I had to say good by to the super gorgeous man I was sitting next to, (not that he knew I was there, but in my mind I had all of these meet-cutes planned between us where not only did we fall far into the love together, but where we would always tell this humorous story of how we met.  Like, “well we met in an airport.” “yes in an airport.” Which now that I think of it is rather a lame story, but some times you find love in the most unexpected places. Well after not finding love in the airport but finding Kelly and kat we headed off to the shire. IM NOT JOKING. You can go there. Its like a mecca for geeks and fantasy fellows. Also for the very reasonable 995 new Zealand dollars which is only like 925 American dollars you can buy one of the original masks of SAURN. And who amongst you can tell me you have not woken up before and wanted more then anything in your life to have an original mask of saurn.

But hobbitsville. It is everything you could imagine and more. The more comes from the fact that they are building on the site to make way for filming the hobbit which is great, but I never really imagined the shire with like three bulldozers and a cat machine.

The people on our hobbit tour were pretty close to the best things ever. With a deep seeded dedication to the text it was like wandering around with 4 different lotr audio books. But you could play in the hobbit holes and that was more or less the best thing EVER.

After hobbitsville and a brief sheep sheering demonstration which was not only funny but totally unrelated to hobbits, we headed to this place in the big NZ which smells like a boiled egg from all the sulpher. (oh at hobbitsville there was a mad hot guy with great arms and he was super cute, making him the second super cute guy I had seen in ye old NZ, its also a mecca for hot people, not just hobbit lovers.) (oh and mad disappointment, because newline cinemas is 3 parts evil, the tour guides are not allowed to go around in hobbit outfits. FOR SHAME NEW LINE FOR SHAME!)(I mean that hot guy would have totally been hotter, and funnier looking if he had been wearing bad big fake hairy feet…. But they would have to be shoes as well, because hobbits ville is now also a place for sheep to graze… so its literally covered in shit)

But back to sulphur NZ. We checked in, wandered around, went to a mad quaint market and then headed off to the SPA.

Let me paint a picture for you, but not with paint, because im on a computer and I don’t want to get oils all over my screen, but with words. But not like with words, more like. Im sure you get where I’m going.

The spa is mad pimp, and filled with sulphur hot spring pools which range from like luke warm to boil of your skin hot. I have never been so relaxed. Until what happened…. There is no easy way to say this. But the entire water polo and rugby teams (we think) of NZ came to the spa we where at to unwind. In speedos and no joke like splash around in the pool being all awkwardly heterosexual but painfully hot and all struty struty around the spa. I would say conservative estimates would place it at 60 hot men and maybe 360 individually defined abs. it was the most bizarre combination of breath taking and eating disorder inducing sights I have ever seen.

They were, tall, tan, (like shoe leather) and possessing more individual muscles then I new the human body hot and sweaty, I was all slightly off pink and reddish, thanks to my nearly translucent sunless skin which looks nearly vampiric and in no way hot. And bloated. Thanks to the airplane food I felt like a pink whale from the make a wish foundation whose only dream had been to see every Greek statue come to life and wrap their bodies in ‘leave no room for the imagination, or really anything else, fabric triangles’. It was the best birthday present ever and nearly enough to make me believe in god.

But all things must pass and after turning into an actual prune, (it was like seeing myself at 75, some sort of horrible birthday future glimpse of myself, and let me tell you I will be getting lots of botox thank you very much) we left. (oh but not before I went to the bathroom and there was this ancient fat samoan man with the worlds large cock, like knocking his knees and he just was like pecocking all around the changing room and rather then being hot it was like some grotesque nightmare.)

Then it was dinner, drinks and dormirse. Got to love a the big old apple jack NZ and a birthday spent in hobbitsville…. Did I mention they were all wearing speedoes.

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