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March 12, 2010 / Prof Cupcake.

30 days of shite

I never thought I would prefer glittering, soul filled vegetarian vampires to the real thing, but after watching 30 days of night, I would rather be consumed myself then watch this movie again.

I am, unashamedly terrified of horror films. Even scary movie scares me, or spider man one, (that scene where Will Defoe has that green goblin flashback WET MY PANTS, every time.) give me the frights. 30 days of night however made me want to off myself and also explain how the earths rotation effects daylight hours to the cast and crew of the film.

Before I move on to eviscerating the plot, (even though some one, writer, director, producer, editor? has already left it in tatters.) I would like to focus on the issue of the sun. Every year the town is plunged into thirty days of darkness. (Which as a basic premise is totally terrifying.) However this year a mish mashed troupe of screechy vampires (imagine Janice from friends, but undead) have come to kill EVERYONE. However when the sun pops up, they are all going to die. Well if they are hit by the sun. so on day 31 why don’t they hide for like, 5 minutes, and then come out for the ensuing 23 hours and 55 minutes for some good old slaughtering fun. I can except vampires, I can except being able to live out side in a place whose normal high temperature in February is -5 degrees, but really why would the vampires just not hang in a basement for a little while.

This and other major plot flaws, kept me from ever being able to engage with the film. Without  a sensible plot the horrific element of the movie just lost their luster until they moved firmly into the realm of the comical. The vampires were revealed to early, and besides their serious need for some orthodontic treatment, a bib and some nail filing they are just awkward and dumb. Since Dracula, the most terrifying part of the Vampire has not been his mindless desire to consume, but his ability to walk amongst us as the embodiment of our desires. Sophistication, elegance, endless youth, charm, wit, sex appeal, these are the traits of the vampire which make them truly grotesque. They are truly the devil with a human face, not some mindless slaughterhouse. A lover of the film on lovecinema.com said “Vampires here are… predators… This is what a human being becomes when made immortal, put into the dark, given superhuman strength and appetite, and stripped of mortal fear and uncertainty.” Well to me, that just sounds like a zombie with a serious vitamin d deficiency. True fear, true horror, comes when with these changes, these creatures do not kill and ravish the bodies of the dead, but toy with them, play with them and give them the illusion of hope. As they stand above mortal fear of death they have the chance to become the embodiment of that terror. Is anything worse then slowly watching your lover be consumed by dark desire as happen to Mina in Dracula?  I think that when stripped of the aforementioned traits, people would become the Dracula sort of killer, not these 30 days of night fiascos. (but enough on my deep love for the passionate and murderous vampire, like Lesta. I mean I’m already in love with him, don’t even get me started on Eric Northman.)

The plot is weak, and the acting is almost deliciously sub par. Josh Hartnett and Mellissa George, in my opinion have almost no chemistry on screen. Possible due to the small almost of screen time they have together. Neither of these character grow particular or evolve over the course of the movie, Josh begins as the town due gooder and ends up roughly in the same boat as he started. Where as Mellissa George wanted to run away in the beginning and ends up running away in the end. The character who grows the most is the brother, but like most of the secondary characters, the film does not allow amble time for you to become interested in their plots, leaving you unmoved by their growths or deaths.

But hey, when you’re done with this movie, you can still go see the next one which is in post production right now. Because if there is anything Hollywood can do well its take a shit film and spin it into a franchise.

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