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January 4, 2010 / Prof Cupcake.

mortal kombat: job hunting

A recent college graduate, the world is my oyster. Only it feels like I’m in a restaurant, and I’ve ordered oyster, but there out and as I sit there feeling sorry for myself and my lack of oysters I watch all those around me who were so lucky as to get a helping of mollusks are vomiting all over there loved ones.

This is not what I thought four years in university was going to get me. But so is life and I don’t seem to be the only one feeling the pressures of the economic climate. As I wander the streets of the town I grew up in, I continually run into the broken and dejected men and women who use to be my high school pals. We left this town saying we were going to be somebody, we back here as alcoholics. In the end however, I think we all have it quite good. Many of us have moved back into out parents houses and I spend my time between upkeep on the house and searching desperately for jobs. I’ve begun to see myself as a urban Indiana Jones seeking the lost treasure of the job for the graduate with a degree in English. I’ve heard of it only in fables and in whispers towards the back of the bar, (they say that man there, he found the treasure once.)

However my unemployment has come with a serious side effect. It is effectively worse than smack. Videogames. My old console sits on the floor of my bedroom calling me. Its seductive, its playful, its cheap, its like a whore. It loves me for a few hours and then leaves me with this sense of utter wastefulness. I spend vast hours locked to my t.v. and I slowly feel the fat buildup in my body. It’s simply hours before I will be an amorphous chair blob unable to squeeze out of my front door. If only my future employers knew how good I was at MORTAL KOMBAT they would hire me in a second.

Which eventually led me to my break through idea about how recent graduates should go about getting jobs. Fights to the death. In this cut throat business world with less jobs then parts in an ikea couch what really separates me from the hundreds of other equally or more qualified graduates. The answer is nothing. So lets thin out the pool. Corporate sponsored fights would help employers decide who really had the drive to succeed in the fast pasted business world. It would reduce our overall environmental impact. It would give large amounts of bodies to trainee hospitals. And I’ve not even mentioned merchandising these events. Stadium seating, popcorn, hello revitalized economy. But as I wait for my invite to MORTAL JOB HUNT KOMBAT, I’ve decided to practice my mad skills daily because unless I really get down how to shoot a spirit arrow I’m not sure all make it into the second round.

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